The Gathering

Tonight was wonderful.
We started college group tonight at New Life, and I love it! It's my first experience in a "college group" and I wasn't exactly sure what to expect...but whatever I expected...tonight definately exceeded my expectations! For one thing...we started off with coffee...a sure sign of a great time ahead!! Mmmm....
And the video........LOVED it! If you haven't seen the Nooma videos with Rob Bell...you should. I've only seen one, but I can't wait to see the rest!

This always happens...I get on here to write a blog..and then don't know what to say. But I think it's good that I say something when I feel it...even if I don't know exactly what it is. That's one thing I've been trying to learn for a long time now.......I really don't have to have it all figured out. Christianity and the Gospel were up and running lonnnngg before I was born...and I think it'll do okay- even without my efforts! (More like in spite of my efforts! lol

Anyway....
I just wanna' say...I'm really excited about this college group thing. It's really neat b/c things that I didn't know I needed (spiritually, emotionally, etc.)...and things I didn't know how MUCH I needed...are suddenly clearer to me. Like, I feel like tonight started a whole new journey..a whole new Season of my life. One of discovery and learning...about myself..the world...God..everything that matters, and everything that doesn't. I love how it's a discussion and not a sermon. Not that I don't like sermons (well..some I don't like! ha!), but the discussion approach really gives me room to think and figure out for myself what's going on. I feel like there's room in me to grow. Like tonight..God opened up this whole new section of my being that I didn't know was there..and He's saying.....okay, there's room for more..more knowledge, more Love..more EVERYTHING! I don't know what's gonna happen..but I know it's big and I know it's good! It's just so weird b/c (this always happens, and I LOVE it!) for quite a while now (okay..for like my whole life) I've really turned thoughts and opinions and questions over in my mind..and just wondered and asked and sought answers to things that everyone seems to disagree on. And I love discussions. Not necessarily debates. But discussions. I like it when people (especially people with the same essential beliefs) can sit down and discuss something. B/c even if I don't fully agree with everything someone is saying..sometimes it gives me a different or broader perspective than I had before. Like maybe my though wasn't "complete".. There's more to it than I could see. Then someone says something or points something out, and all of the sudden it's even clearer and my opinion more definitive. And what's right for one may not be right for all...I mean..some things are black and white: No sex outside of marriage. But other things can be relative...like dating. Some people have made commitments to not date..either for a certain period of time or not at all, ever. It's something I think you really just have to search YOUR heart about and say, (sincerely!) "God..I really want Your best for me..You've given me so much and I want to do what YOU want. How do I do that? How can I best and most fully give my heart to You and learn to love another human being according to the beautiful design You've set up?" (Now I'm getting into next week's discussion: Love and Sex)

Now I feel I'm just rambling! But this is a blog, not an essay or a book..although it might be someday! All I care to say tonight is............GOD IS SO...FREAKING...AMAZING!!! And the things I've been meditating and dwelling on lately...and looking for an outlet for...or even just someone who understands it...and "gets" it...gets me.........those are the things we talked about tonight. The rain and oh my gosh, I just can't get into it all........it's so awesome! Suffice it to say that - once again - God has personally hand-crafted a "Gathering" for me that just proves to me all over again how intimately He knows me and knows my every word and even every thought...and He's sooooo in love with me..and longs to hold me close.

Guys...you just don't know even know!

There are so many feelings running around through my heart right now. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster (to use a cliche). There are so many things I feel God's implanted in my heart. And I just don't know what to do about them or with them. I don't know where to start, and I just don't feel like people get it. Like they don't get the Vision and they don't understand me and how big my dreams really are. There are things in my heart I can't even express. I just feel like I would give ANYTHING to see them fulfilled. Everything in my being is just crying out right now for it all to come together. And sometimes I just wonder....does God even see?

So many of the things that God's taught me personally, and so many things He's placed in my heart...dreams and visions and longings........and then the people He's put in my life...all these connections. And I don't know what to do about it. It's like I see people and I think...if they could just meet w/ these people...if we could all just connect..........WHAT COULD HAPPEN?!

I just want to let it all out!!!!!!!!!! I NEED to let it out! I've got to get these ideas out. I've got to express myself, make myself understood. I want to see the fulfillment of the Dreams He's placed in me. I will DIE if I don't. I don't want to live if I can't really LIVE.

What am I supposed to do when the people closest to me don't even get it? I guess God knows....I KNOW He knows...but I still feel like I need this support system. And I know that God is more than faithful to finish the work He's begun in me. But I think He intends this to be part of that process.......this thing in me...this restlessness and discontent with the way things are and the way things look. I can't go through the motions anymore. And yet I have to be disciplined. Dreams don't go anywhere without discipline. I just feel at a loss. Oh Lord......what do I do???!