Every now and then I just start feeling things. Like, stronger than usual. And we all know how much I feel on a regular basis! But this is different! It's like God's speaking things into my heart. And, at the moment, I can't make out the exact words He is saying; it's more like just impressions He's placing deep inside of me where I can't escape them and they can't escape me. And later on down the road it becomes clearer and I can put it into words. But for now... just feeling it...... is AMAZING!
He's being so precious. Some of this I don't even know if I want to put into words, because it's just so personal, so intimate. It's like God's pulled me out of "the real world" to just show me who He is and who I am. (When I say out of the real world...I just mean I feel like I'm in this season of "Sanctuary." Like now is the point in time of my dreams where I just wait, and let God pour into me so that when the fulfillment comes, I'm totally ready and completely full of Him and empty of me. By the way, I'm getting this idea of "sanctuary" from a book I'm reading called The Dream Giver for Teens by Jessica and Bruce Wilkinson.)
A lot's been going on: too much to post! But one thing that happened recently was camp. Youth for the Nations (at Christ for the Nations in Dallas, TX). CFNI is a great school where a lot of amazing gifts have been stirred up in God's people. And my experience at camp was nothing short of incredible. To be honest, I wasn't really sure how it was going to go. About a month ago, I found out my youth pastor and his wife were moving to Louisiana. The church can't afford to pay them, and they've applied everywhere in the Columbia/Nashville area, but so far nothing's opened up. It's really discouraging. For me, anyway.
I know that God has a plan. And I trust Him. He's been so good and so faithful through everything I've ever gone through that I can't help but trust Him! But that doesn't stop the feelings from coming, and to be honest, I'm really tired of feeling like I have to pretend they're not there. I'm upset..... I'm hurt. I'm tired. I'm angry.
I feel like I keep falling for the same thing over and over again. I've gone through so many sets of youth pastors that I'm beginning to wonder what a REAL youth ministry looks like....or if it even exists. After my first experience of feeling abandoned by my youth pastors, I vowed never to try another youth group again. I didn't quit GOD, but youth group was over for me. But my parents prayed and so we know what that means........ I ended up in another youth group. Along with my sisters. And we LOVED it. But, after those sets of youth pastors left to start their own churches, we were, once again, left as teenagers to figure out what had just happened and why and what was going to happen next. And when Pastor Daryll asked me what I thought of Tim and Miranda...I'm gonna be honest...I simply said, "I don't know." I was so burnt out with youth pastors and youth ministry, I think I was wary of even giving anyone a try. And I told him that. But God had me give them a try and (big surprise) I quickly grew very attatched to them. (Story of my life).
I totally think the WORLD of Tim; he is such a hero to me. And Miranda is such an inspiring woman. Just AMAZING! They really just have a special annointing on them...that when you're around them, the "real you" just comes to the surface. Even if no one else notices it, they can pick you out of a crowd and tell you more about yourself than even YOU knew was there! They're just so real and authentic that it's just Life to be around them.
And now they're gone. And I don't know what to do. Do I pray for God to open up the door for them to come back? What if that's not His will? Then I'm praying against His will. But I feel like if I just pray the generic, "God, let Your will be done..." I'm not really praying much of anything. Not from my heart. And so I'm just stuck in this place where I don't even know how to pray. But I just want Him to hear my heart.
When we left for camp, and I realized that Pastor Tim and Miranda would only be there for the end of it, I was really discouraged. But all I can say is, when I woke up to Miranda's voice greeting Cassie in our dorm room......I seriously almost lost it! The week had been out of this world amazing, but I was still so unsettled. But the second they got there, I felt like I could breathe again. It just felt so right. Like everything was back to normal and it was all going to be okay.
Then I realized: It's not going to last. Tomorrow they'll be gone, and confusion will again be my close companion. It was almost more than I could bear. But I decided to just enjoy the time that God had given me with them and hope and pray for the best.
And God did something so amazing with me during the service that night. Something I will never be able to thank Him enough for. I can't even describe it, but I'm crying right now just thinking about it. He understands me. And that's really all I need to know. If I can just have that, everything else seems immaterial. And worthless. He just began to settle something in my heart that night and it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Jesus is my most worthy Prince Charming. I'm IN LOVE with Him. As weird as that may sound......in love with the Son of God...in love with God Himself!! Crazy stuff, but it's true. I can't help it - He's changed my life! And NO ONE can argue with that!
Just to be sure I'm clear on this point: When I say I'm angry....I am not at ALL angry with Tim and Miranda. I know they've done everything they can to get back here if it's God's will. But I'm just so tired of this happening. All I know is if I EVER marry a youth pastor, the ONLY way I am leaving our group of teenagers is if God MAKES me! I want to set a new world record for the longest a youth pastor's ever stayed in one place! (which shouldn't be too hard to do!)
Sorry that I'm being so blunt. I just haven't really gotten all this out yet. And I needed to! So thankyou for listening to me go on about how terrible my life is (woe is me!). But before I go, I just want to make one more thing clear.
Jesus, I trust You!
You mean everything to me. And I know I don't always show it,
but You're everything and I just ask that You would keep showing me that.
I trust You to take good care of Tim and Miranda and me and my youth group. You love us.
And if I'm wrong about EVERYTHING...just teach me. Gently. And help me, cause this is so hard. Do what You will. You're in control and You have the right to do whatever You want (which is always best for us anyway). But like I said....please help us. Help me. Cause it hurts.
In Jesus's wonderful and saving Name I pray,
Amen
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