Well..here I am again...2:49 AM.
"Father, I am needing, I need to hear from You. To know that You're approving of what I say and do. Cause nothing really satisfies, like when You speak my name. So tell me that You'll never leave, and everything will be okay."
"In Your Presence is where I belong; in Your Presence all fear is gone!"
I've got my blog up in one window...and this post in another..so I'm listening to "In Your Presence" on my playlist as I write this (Jason Upton). Good song.
I'm in a really confusing place right now. It just seems so hard to know...is God speaking to me? Did He speak to me...or did I just want something so bad I imagined it? But the thing is...I wasn't wanting it, exactly. I wasn't looking for it! It was so unexpected....I think. It was so long ago..I wish I could remember.
I know none of this makes much sense to anybody who has the incredible misfortune of reading this mess!
More than anything God, my <3 wants to please You. At least...that's what I want. "I need You, Jesus. Come to my rescue! Where else could I go? There's no other Name by which I am saved..capture me with grace. I WILL FOLLOW YOU!" Lord, it's so hard to know...what am I doing? I'm getting carried away again..that's for sure. But is that a bad thing? I'm in over my head.......but then again it IS 3 o'clock in the morning...maybe I should "sleep on it"...
Lord..I just ask You to speak. I need to hear Your voice in the wilderness. Just change me. Make me want to do Your will, more than I want the deep things in the recesses of my <3.
But see..that's so twisted! Where do You live if not in my heart?! "You won't relent until You have it all...........my heart is Yours..." You know...these lyrics are so good, I'm just going to post all of them:
You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours
I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love
Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of
GOD, THIS IS MY HEART'S CRY TONIGHT! I want to LIVE FOR YOU! And nothing but You! I just make it so complicated..and I don't want it to be. But I've been this way for so long..I don't know HOW to live any other way. Change me, please Lord. You are the Best Friend I could ever have. The only Friend. Lord, help me. I just really need You in my heart during this time. Your Word says "The heart is deceitful above all things." but it also says that Your Word is like a two-edged sword..piercing to the very heart of things. So I need You to become my Stronghold. I need You in my heart to make sense of all this. You truly are my only hope.
"Everlasting, Your Light will shine when all else fades." Lord, I'm just gonna' have to trust You. I love You. Help me love You.
"My heart and my soul..I give YOU control - Consume me from the Inside OUt! Let justice and praise become my embrace..to love YOU from the INSIDE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "And the Cry of my Heart is to bring YOU PRAISE, from the inside out, Lord, my sould cries out....LORD!!!"
Jesus. You're my Best Friend. Heal me..change me..forgive me..teach me......and lead me to do the right thing. Talk to me!!
The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?
Show me, I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
~Michael W. Smith (Place In this World, from album: Go West Young Man)
GOD IS GOOD.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Wow....
I'm convinced that there is something psychologically wrong with me!
Why is it that the hardest thing for me to do in the day is stay awake...and yet when night comes I don't want to go to bed. I'm ready to take on the world! It's 4:00 in the morning and I'm sitting here writing a blog! And looking at Impressionist paintings! Who does that?! I do that, that's who! There's one really good one by Vincent Van Gogh (isn't that a cool name...I love the v's). It's called The Church at Auvers-sur-Oise. Annnnyway...
It's the ninth/tenth day of the 40-day P.O.H. fast (depending on whether you consider this Friday or Saturday) and I have to say...I broke it today! lol But I'm really excited about all the things I'm believing God's going to do. All the things He's begun! My <3's>with Him. He's my closest friend. He knows me better than anybody...my mom...my sisters...me... I've just gotta say, I've always heard people talking about how they're trying to "find themselves." And I always thought that sounded so silly..Now that I'm at that college/transition sort of stage, it seems a little less odd, I guess, but I still know one thing for sure. The thing about finding yourself is that you can't find who you are if you don't know who God is. See, God's the Creator, and we are each a piece of His Art. How can you understand the Art if you don't know the Creator? It's like...the more I know about God, the better I understand myself. I'm free to try new things and risk failure and rejection if I know that my identity is not in my performance but in Him and who He is. And the Bible promises us that He does not change! He's the same yesterday, today, and forever! And He is LOVE! Look it up if you don't believe me!
Okay...it is now 4:09. Tomorrow is a busy day! Goodnight world!
Why is it that the hardest thing for me to do in the day is stay awake...and yet when night comes I don't want to go to bed. I'm ready to take on the world! It's 4:00 in the morning and I'm sitting here writing a blog! And looking at Impressionist paintings! Who does that?! I do that, that's who! There's one really good one by Vincent Van Gogh (isn't that a cool name...I love the v's). It's called The Church at Auvers-sur-Oise. Annnnyway...
It's the ninth/tenth day of the 40-day P.O.H. fast (depending on whether you consider this Friday or Saturday) and I have to say...I broke it today! lol But I'm really excited about all the things I'm believing God's going to do. All the things He's begun! My <3's>with Him. He's my closest friend. He knows me better than anybody...my mom...my sisters...me... I've just gotta say, I've always heard people talking about how they're trying to "find themselves." And I always thought that sounded so silly..Now that I'm at that college/transition sort of stage, it seems a little less odd, I guess, but I still know one thing for sure. The thing about finding yourself is that you can't find who you are if you don't know who God is. See, God's the Creator, and we are each a piece of His Art. How can you understand the Art if you don't know the Creator? It's like...the more I know about God, the better I understand myself. I'm free to try new things and risk failure and rejection if I know that my identity is not in my performance but in Him and who He is. And the Bible promises us that He does not change! He's the same yesterday, today, and forever! And He is LOVE! Look it up if you don't believe me!
Okay...it is now 4:09. Tomorrow is a busy day! Goodnight world!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
My First Blog :)
It's amazing what having your mind cleared will do for you. Almost all day I have had ONE THING on the forefront of my mind. And that's school. (Big surprise, I know!) But seriously, I've just been so stressed...another big surprise, I know. I just had such high hopes for the college life and the work load seemed so....manageable. But here I am one month into it and already I feel behind. I've mainly been stressed about a speech assignment and whether or not my teacher got it, but he emailed me back so it's all good now.
But as I was getting ready for bed and just relaxing, and I put my book down and just allowed my mind to clear, peace began to fall again. I can feel God's presence again. Like maybe He's sitting beside me. (I know He is, but now I can feel it.) But I was thinking about my life...and the different seasons of it so far. I was thinking about what words I would associated with each one...different themes. I guess for the beginning years I'd have to say foundational. Those were the years my parents took me to church every time the doors were opened. I learned what sin was, learned I was a sinner, learned Jesus is the only way out of sin and shame and guilt and asked Him to be my Savior. Learned who God was, who His Enemy was, and what to expect in life.
I'm blessed to have parents that are pretty "radical" when it comes to Christianity. They take God at His Word...literally (which is how most of us want to be taken, by the way..why would God be any different?)... and their consistant approach to Him and this world has drastically impacted my take on life. I've watched God be more than a religion, more than a ticket to Heaven. I've watched God be Friend, Father, Rescuer, Savior, Restorer, Redeemer, incredible Love and amazing Adventure. He really is my Best Friend. .... No one else knows me like He does..no one is as patient with me as He is..and no one can persuade me like He can. And, maybe best of all, He never changes. He's not stale and He's not unmoving, but He is faithful and He is stable. I can count on Him to be consistant in the way He treats me. True to His Word and true to His steadfast Nature.
I think that's a life-long process though...learning God's character. He's just so deep... I wanted to write more...but it's late and there's church in the morning. So..it's off to my comfortable bed where I can sleep in the safety of a free country. ThankYou, God, for that!!!
But as I was getting ready for bed and just relaxing, and I put my book down and just allowed my mind to clear, peace began to fall again. I can feel God's presence again. Like maybe He's sitting beside me. (I know He is, but now I can feel it.) But I was thinking about my life...and the different seasons of it so far. I was thinking about what words I would associated with each one...different themes. I guess for the beginning years I'd have to say foundational. Those were the years my parents took me to church every time the doors were opened. I learned what sin was, learned I was a sinner, learned Jesus is the only way out of sin and shame and guilt and asked Him to be my Savior. Learned who God was, who His Enemy was, and what to expect in life.
I'm blessed to have parents that are pretty "radical" when it comes to Christianity. They take God at His Word...literally (which is how most of us want to be taken, by the way..why would God be any different?)... and their consistant approach to Him and this world has drastically impacted my take on life. I've watched God be more than a religion, more than a ticket to Heaven. I've watched God be Friend, Father, Rescuer, Savior, Restorer, Redeemer, incredible Love and amazing Adventure. He really is my Best Friend. .... No one else knows me like He does..no one is as patient with me as He is..and no one can persuade me like He can. And, maybe best of all, He never changes. He's not stale and He's not unmoving, but He is faithful and He is stable. I can count on Him to be consistant in the way He treats me. True to His Word and true to His steadfast Nature.
I think that's a life-long process though...learning God's character. He's just so deep... I wanted to write more...but it's late and there's church in the morning. So..it's off to my comfortable bed where I can sleep in the safety of a free country. ThankYou, God, for that!!!
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